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Part four in this series---NOT ALL SEXUAL PASSION IS EQUAL. After marriage comes the realization that not everyone has, retains, or maintains the same degree of sexual desire. While it is true those in marriage don't always have the same degree of sexual desire, (sex drive) this does not give the spouse with the lower sex drive the right to sexually deny their spouse.
Being too tired, busy, disinterested, or having a headache, does not diminish the sexual desire of one's spouse. Neither does the lack of a sex drive, on the part of one's spouse, lessen the temptation of the other spouse (the one being sexually denied) to seek to have their sexual urge satisfied by other means.
Just because the husband can satisfy his needs in two minutes does not give him the right to ignore the needs of his wife (which often requires more than a few minutes to satisfy). Paul also addressed this issue, he told those who were married, that it was not enough for them to just have sex. Paul told those who were married, that they were to strive to give their spouse sexual fulfillment. "The wife hath not power of her own body, but the husband: and likewise also the husband hath not power of his own body, but the wife. Defraud ye not one the other, except it be with consent for a time, that ye may give yourselves to fasting and prayer; and come together again, that Satan tempt you not for your incontinency". 1st Cor .7:4-5 .
We have a God ordained responsibility to try within the best of our ability to satisfy our mate. Paul told the married believers their spouse had the right to use their bodies for sexual fulfillment and vice versa. Paul warned to deny one's spouse of their orgasmic rights, could lead to sexual temptations on the part of the one who is being defrauded.
Paul noted that even after marriage, husbands and wives should strive to stay sexually active with each other. Paul warned that failure to do so, could potentially cause their sexual desires (BURNINGS) to become so overwhelming, as to cause them to seek sexual release elsewhere.
5 Do not deprive each other except perhaps by mutual consent and for a time, so that you may devote yourselves to prayer. Then come together again so that Satan will not tempt you because of your lack of self-control. 1st Cor. 7:3.
Ray Stedman tells us, “One thing is clear: Sex in marriage is given to us for the mutual pleasure of those involved. It is the highest form of physical ecstasy, without a doubt. It rates as the number one recreation of the world, and there is no question about that. It always has been, and it always will be. Nothing compares to it, and God likes it that way; he designed it that way.
He gave us our erogenous zones and permitted them, intended them, to be aroused and excited. He intended for human beings to experience this exquisite ecstasy of orgasm, but he designed that it be protected, that it be experienced within walls of security which only marriage, as the Bible envisions it, can provide.”
As one wife explians, "My husband can't seem to have enough sex. You'd think that after nearly 12 years of marriage, his libido would have cooled, but no -- he still wants sex every few days. Sometimes, I'm too exhausted from working and taking care of the house and helping with homework to be romantic. The few times I've told him I'm not in the mood, he's pestered me and pouted until I gave in.
Even in the middle of the night, if my husband gets the urge, he'll press himself against me, toss and turn until I wake up. He then ask me “are you woke”? It upsets me that he does not expect me to ever say no. Why can't he wait for me to be in the mood. It's not that I don't enjoy sex -- he's a caring and loving, but at times he also seems to be A SEX MANIAC. Is he normal?
Perhaps one of the most perplexing thing about a husband to his wife is why does he seem to want to have sex ALL THE TIME. Some wives have wondered out loud, why does my husband seem to always have sex on his mind, HE’S ALWAYS TOUCHING ME. They admit that he’s sweet, helpful, and caring, but don’t understand his issue with sex. In their conversations with each other, wives can be overheard saying,
“He can’t keep his hands to himself, he’s always touching me. Even when he was hurt in an accident and recovering, he barely slowed down. At times I wonder if he’s a sex maniac??” Oftentimes husbands themselves are at a loss to explain why they enjoy having sex with their wives so frequently, all they know is that they do. One husband said trying to explain to his wife why he enjoys so much sex with her, is like his wife trying to explain to him why she loves shopping so much.
Many wives have voiced this complaint, “My husband seems to want sex all the time when all I want to do is sleep!” To many wives the sex drive of their husbands is a great mystery. Women tend to dismiss the male sex drive as if it were a triviality, but it’s not! While it’s true that there are some husbands, who use their wives for their own selfish sexual pleasure, with no thought of true love and appreciation, but many husbands are not like this.
Husbands who love their wives, just don’t want sex from their wives just because they’re animals in heat. They constantly desire sex, because in a man’s point of view constantly desiring sex and obtaining it from the women he loves, is a source of continual fulfillment. Men by God’s design, actually do tend to desire sex more frequently than their wives.
Each of us are sexually different, over time these difference can change even more. Many husbands have expressed their frustration, with the dramatic drop in their wives sexual desires, as their marriage progressed. Some wives have retorted by blaming a lack of continual courtship and romance on the part of the man after marriage as a major culprit.
While in some marriages this is the case, researchers have found another major contributing factor. Researchers have found that women's libido plummets very rapidly when they believe they are in a secure relationship so much so that after just four years the proportion of 30-year-old women wanting regular sex falls below 50 per cent. Dr Dietrich Klusmann
The researchers from Hamburg-Eppendorf University interviewed 530 men and women about their relationships. They found 60% of 30-year-old women wanted sex "often" at the beginning of a relationship, but within four years of the relationship this figure fell to under 50%, and after 20 years it dropped to about 20%. In contrast, they found the proportion of men wanting regular sex remained at between 60-80%, regardless of how long they had been in a relationship.
The findings for women contrast with those for men, whose sexual appetite hardly flagged at all up to 40 years after marriage. The study, by researchers at Hamburg-Eppendorf University in Germany, challenges the popular image of modern women as equal to men in sexual appetite. "Female their motivation matches male sexual motivation in the first years of the partnership and then steadily decreases,"
The study also revealed that tenderness was important for women in a relationship. About 90% of women wanted tenderness, regardless of how long they had been in a relationship, but only 25% of men who had been in a relationship for 10 years said they were still seeking tenderness from their partner. This is not to say that all wives fit into this category, there are some wives who have a stronger sex drive than their husband.
But in most cases Study after study illustrates that men's sex drives are not only stronger than women's, but much more straightforward. The sources of women's libidos, by contrast, are much more difficult to pin down. It's common wisdom that women place more value on emotional connection as a spark of sexual desire. But women also appear to be heavily influenced by social and cultural factors as well.
THE FIVE STAGES OF SEXUAL INTERCOURSE
The human sexual response can be described as a cycle with five stages. In functioning within the sexual response cycle, a question every couple is faced with is, how far should they be willing to go in bringing their mate to the point of arousal and ultimately to orgasm. What may be viewed as a sexual turn on for one person may be a sexual turn off for another person. It is important that couples learn what really arouses and turns on their spouse. When a husband or wife express their sexual preferences, it is important that their mate seek to honor their request as much as possible, as long as their sexual request is not listed as being sinful in the word of God.
Each couple must come to a understanding of how they can best sexually satisfy each other. The pace at which men and women go from one stage to the other varies with each individual. By better understanding these five stages, it will help couples to better understand the complexities of their sexuality. This will also better understand how to meet each others sexual needs, as ordained by God.
The normal sexual state is the unaroused phase. The unaroused phase is also the part of the cycle we return to after the sexual encounter is over. (That is if we have been sexually satisfied, we take a closer look at this in our book). Many young couples encounter various problems in one or more of these five stages. This in turn often creates sexual stress within the relationship. It is the will of God, that husbands and wives help each other obtain sexual fulfillment through each of these stages.
LOVE VERSES LUST??? While we are stressing the importance of marriage, in relations to sex, we also want to stress the impotence of love. Today there seems to be a abandonment of the pursuit of true love and commitment, in lieu of the pursuit of strong carnal desires. In an article written by Duncan Moore he discusses the difference between love and lust, we quote, "To understand the Bible's view of sex we must understand the difference between love and lust. Love honors, values and seeks the best for the beloved.
It focuses on the other person. It's selfless, sacrificial and inseparable from commitment. Lust, on the other hand, seeks to use things or people to meet its needs and gratify its desires. It focuses inward on itself, is inherently selfish, and rejects commitment. Love and lust are opposites. They are in direct conflict with each other.
The question to be asked is whether our sexual relationships are an expression of love or lust: "I want to honor and value you, giving myself to you," or "I want to use you as a tool to satisfy my urge for an orgasm, using you and taking from you." Strong carnal desire, when detached from a mindset of love and commitment, can be extremely destructive.
Lust in the form of acted our carnal desire, is powerful and seductive. When acted on minus a mindset of love and commitment it always becomes and remains inherently selfish. As Duncan Moore explains. "As we foster and feed lust in our lives we're dragged inexorably towards isolation, loneliness, insecurity and emptiness. What do we have left when orgasm becomes boring and unsatisfying, left alone to face the pain of guilt and loneliness?
Love with commitment is clearly very expensive and hard work. It requires honor, respect, forgiveness and sacrifice. However it's the road out of the loneliness, suspicion and despair that plagues our culture. If we substitute lust for love we end up with a meaningless sensation which eventually loses its novelty and can never satisfy beyond the physical. God's intention for us is that we should be set free from the power and slavery of lust and become men and women of genuine love."
Up until recently situations that today's younger generation is facing in regards to out of control lust issues, as they relate to relationships, were not nearly as prevalent as they now are. The rapid increase in the exposure of explicit sexual situations, via internet porn, is leading to more and more confusion and frustration. A crisis center which deals with this matter, say they are noticing a marked increase in the volume of emails, which denotes desperate, sexual concerns and confusion.
The operator of this site say they have lost count of the number of young women in their late teens and early 20s, who write in with the same concern. They say their boyfriend and in many cases their husband, can't stop watching porn: 'Why does he watch porn so much when he's with me?'; 'How can I ever measure up to the women in porn?'; 'Why aren't I good enough?'; 'Is it normal to have pubic hair?"
Girls really do think they're expected to look like life-sized Barbie dolls: long of limb, large of breast and with no body hair whatsoever. Young men too are beset by insecurities and misapprehensions, fueled by exposure to porn: 'My penis is too small compared to the ones I've seen on the internet, how can I get it enlarged?'; 'I want to watch my girlfriend have sex with my best friend. Is this a good idea??
The flood-gates of sexual information and misinformation, have not only been swung wide open, but have been ripped of the hinges, there is now no way to close them. This sudden and dramatic shift to the exposure of sexual imagery has left the various components of our society, who try to explain it all, (parents, churches, educational system, etc). Scrambling, in an attempt to explain to the younger generation, what it all means.
No where is the impact of today's avalanche of porn more felt than within the marital bond. To go to segment five--THE IMPACT OF PORN ON THE MARITAL BED----Click on the image below.
When Paul uses the word “fornication” in the following verse it is usually assumed that the main thing Paul had in mind, was male female sexual intercourse outside of the marital bond. "Nevertheless, to avoid FORNICATION, let every man have his own wife, and let every woman have her own husband." 1st Cor 7:2. While it is correct to make this assumption, it is incorrect to assume that the word fornication, as used in the Bible, is limited to this one sexual act.
The word ‘fornication as used in the Bible encompasses much more, than this one sexual act. A key meaning of the word ‘fornication’ as used in the Bible is “sexual immorality” . This sexual immorality includes sexual misconduct 0f every description.
This sexual immorality includes all forms of sex that do not conform with God’s guidelines for acceptable sexual interaction in His sight. This includes adultery, homosexuality, beastiality, incest, orgies, voyeuristic sexual activity, etc.
Some Bible versions use the word ‘sexual immorality’ instead of the word ‘fornication’. In the New Testament, the word most often translated “sexual immorality” (fornication) is PORNEIA. It is from this Greek word we get the English word pornography. This word is also translated as “whoredom,” and “idolatry.”
Paul tells us that we are to aggressively strive to avoid involvement, with the varied acts of fornication. He explains that honor our divine creator, we must sexually function in ways which lines up with His guidelines: This is especially true for those us us who desire to be in a close relationship with Him.
2 But since sexual immorality is occurring, each man should have sexual relations with his own wife, and each woman with her own husband. 3 The husband should fulfill his marital duty to his wife, and likewise the wife to her husband. 4 The wife does not have authority over her own body but yields it to her husband. In the same way, the husband does not have authority over his own body but yields it to his wife. 5 Do not deprive each other except perhaps by mutual consent and for a time, so that you may devote yourselves to prayer. Then come together again so that Satan will not tempt you because of your lack of self-control. 6 I say this as a concession, not as a command. 7 I wish that all of you were as I am. But each of you has your own gift from God; one has this gift, another has that.
8 Now to the unmarried[a] and the widows I say: It is good for them to stay unmarried, as I do. 9 But if they cannot control themselves, they should marry, for it is better to marry than to burn with passion. 1st Cor 7:2-8 (NIV).
Many today are under the assumption, that having sexual passions, (regardless of what they are) is a justifiable reason to act on them. Many today take great offense at the fact that the Bible teaches just the opposite. The scriptures makes it clear that when we act on our sexual passions, in ways which are contrary to God's guidelines, this is classed as whoremongering.
Paul noted two key items when it comes to our sexual passions. #1. There are natural sexual passions which clearly indicates our need to be married. #2. There are sinful unnatural sexual passions, calls for deliverance. compare below.